where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
