I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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