it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
