you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
