You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
