life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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