dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
