Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
