Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i think i have two assholes
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
