Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
