This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
