And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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