Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
