fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize