Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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