a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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