I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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