I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
