Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
