If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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