we have pet lesbian snakes
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
