Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
