Yo dont text me then not text me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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