He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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