She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
