and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
