I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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