i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
