you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
