my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
