Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
