She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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