I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize