my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
