i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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