Your face is a jimmy john
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
