My underwear smells like fireworks.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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