so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
