I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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