i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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