I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
