Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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