I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
