so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize