My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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