I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
