Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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