I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
