chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
