How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
