he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
