first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
