In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
