Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
