I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
