First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
