imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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