The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
