then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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