how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
