happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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