Who did Billy Mays play for?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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