I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
