I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
