just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize