Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So vagazzling was a success
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
